yep. fuck it fuck it fuck it.

i'm tired of everyone and everything. i'm tired of people and getting hurt and wasting my time.

and i'm tired of this fucking headache. the migraines are back...it scares me to know that i'm potentially sick but no one can figure out what's wrong with me.

i started being a dog walker at an animal shelter today and i got the shit bit out of my arm. not cool. i'd rather get stared down by the cats than bit by some stupid dog. :(

i'm in a really cruddy place right now. i hate it whenever i'm in a cruddy place.

i'm so glad that story is finally done. honestly. it's taken me like 5 years to finish it. i started it when i lived in lexington and was living on versailles road, after the first time D and i tried to get back together after all the shit went down. why i thought this would be a good idea or a healthy idea, i have no idea, but i wanted it to work out with us so badly. i sincerely thought, as did he, that we were going to be together forever. we thought we were unstoppable. we thought we were invincible.

but the fear was too much for me to handle. i know how great it felt to be back with him and how much we laughed and how perfect it felt, but i constantly had in the back of my mind how much he'd hurt me. i never could get past it, no matter how hard i tried. my mistrust of him paralyzed me. i wanted so badly to be in love with him again and i wanted so badly for it to work, but i realize now that that just wasn't in the cards for us. i'm ok with it, i just wish i'd been more aware of what was really going on so i could have left when i first started feeling unhappy rather than after everything was taken from me.

i think that a lot of my naivete has to do with how little i dated in high school. i was never very popular, since i kinda hid in the wings and had about zero confidence. i would be so mean and hide from the boys i liked, i felt more comfortable in my fucked up family unit than i did out with people i didn't know that well. nobody took the time to teach me to drive when i was 16 like everyone else, we couldn't afford to get me a car anyway, so it's not like it mattered. mom or dad would have to take me everywhere and they were always so preoccupied with other things that my request to go out with some boy was always thrown to the wayside. i didn't have a high school sweetheart, i got either stood up or canceled on for prom both years, i never had a date to any of the other dances. i think i went out with like 2 guys in high school, both of whom were idiots. they both strung me along (which has become a pattern in my "adult" dating life as well) and cheated on me (again, a pattern) and were just bad boyfriends. so now i have absolutely no idea what the hell i'm doing when it comes to boys.

believe me - i've had plenty of experience. i've dated enough that you'd think i'd know how to handle these idiotic situations that come up. but i really don't. i couldn't have less of an idea. you'd think it'd be enough to make me wanna give up dating altogether since i keep getting hurt over and over and over and over and over and over again, but for some reason, i still have hope. why, i have no idea, but i do. i get all excited every time i meet someone new who shows me even the least amount of promise. i check my phone maniacally to see if he's texted me back, i get all crazy weird, and i have absolutely no idea why. i need to learn to just let it go and to take things as they come.

i did as good of a job of that as i know how with the most recent failed relationship i was in. but i think i overdid it. i went too far on the opposite end of the spectrum and let him call all the shots instead of being too overzealous and all involved in everything. i think it made me seem passive and gave the impression that i don't care or that i was indifferent about him or being with him. that was sincerely not the case, i just felt so uncomfortable expressing myself with him.

it wasn't like that in the beginning. i was smitten with him immediately, although he wasn't someone i normally would have been attracted to. he was short (5'9) - well, shorter than i like - and on the heavier side. he wasn't obese by any means, but he definitely could have stood to lose a good 20 pounds. but he was funny and warm and affectionate and knew exactly what to say and how to act to bait me on his hook. from there, i was done for. there wasn't anyone or anything that i wanted more than to be with him. it was crazy. i felt the exact same way for him that i did for ross in the very beginning. and we all know how that turned out - but that's beside the point.

he texted me constantly, called me beautiful and gorgeous and said all the things i wanted to hear from someone. he rearranged his schedule, dropped everything in his life to be with me. he was amazing. but then, something changed. i remember feeling it but not really acknowledging it in my head because he and i were just starting to get to know each other and i thought that maybe he was just putting walls up because he was nervous about me like i was nervous about him. the compliments stopped. the schedule rearranging became less frequent. he started to become flaky. i remember thinking at one point, "do i really want to be with this person or am i just staying with him because he makes me feel kinda good?" i kept telling myself i wanted to be with him and that he was worth it and that it was just school and work keeping us apart. that it had nothing to do with anything else. just work and school. i'm such an idiot.

i see now, after he decided i wasn't worthy of his time anymore (he said he didn't feel anything, whatever), that 5 days after we met - FIVE DAYS - he knew he didn't want me. he knew i wasn't right for him. but he also knew i was gullible so he used that to his advantage. i hate him so much - he's not even attractive to me at all anymore. i remember how good i used to feel when i'd wake up in bed next to him, when i'd look over and see him next to me on the couch or at a bar or at dinner...i felt like the most important girl in the world. i felt so beautiful and so wonderful. i think that's why i romanticized him as much as i did. he knew how to make me feel amazing. not just physically, but emotionally as well. i really really wanted that to work. but i'm kinda glad it didn't, honestly. he was starting to become controlling, wanting me away from my family and friends. he asked, the last day we were together, whether my friends were more important to me than him. and i stutteringly answered, "um...no...but...i made these plans at 430 and you didn't tell me you wanted to come over until like 10 minutes before i got off work so...um...i'll cancel my plans, i guess?" why did i do that? next time: the answer is no. i'm not canceling just because some guy wants to come over. he should have planned ahead of time. spontaneity works to a point, but not everything always works out when done spontaneously.

i want a typewriter. the clicking of the keys on a typewriter seems a lot more satisfying than on a laptop. i think i need to download some sort of sound effect that whenever i type, it clacks at me. i wonder how long that'd last before i turned the sucker off.

this week has been insane, honestly. but it's been absolutely refreshing. it's been exactly what i needed to start to rebuild and move forward. i don't need his stupid ass, i just thought he was what i wanted. and it was amazing to find something that felt that good, even if it was only in my life for a short period of time. i just wish i hadn't turned down some of the other offers that popped up when i was with him. i thought, i really did, that i was doing the right thing. i guess if i'm thinking "is this right?" or if i have to reassure myself "he's worth it" on a fairly regular basis...it isn't right and it isn't worth it. i'd rather be alone than deal with any of that shit. i'm too awesome and too great of a girl to settle for some neglectful idiot's BS.

oh, in other news: my nose is pierced and i am in love with it. it is the single best thing i've done to myself in a long time. i feel like a new woman, with a new found confidence i didn't know i had. it's amazing. i'm just really not over him yet. i don't know why either...god he sucked - why am i still all hung up on him?! i guess i thought he may come back sometime this week. oh well. it'll get better. it always does, with time. :) i guess i just need to give it time and not rush into anything else just yet.

all i know is my kitty feels amazing with her warmth and vibration on my tummy right now. i feel so loved. :)

she wanted to watch it burn. to the ground. she wanted nothing of its presence to remain. that way, only the people--the 5 people--who had actually seen the vile place and who were there that horrible night could vouch for its existence. she would never be one of those people though--that place did not exist to her. not anymore. too much heartache resided for her there. burning it to the ground--ashes to ashes, dust to dust--seemed like the only plausible option at this point to help her forget him. and that one night when her life changed forever.

there had a been a time, it seemed so long ago now, but once, she had loved him. he and his happiness meant more to her than her own. if she made him smile--his green eyes twinkling and squinting, his puffy pink lips parting to reveal marlboro stained teeth, his cheeks firming on their bones--she felt whole inside. just his intent gaze was enough to make her forget all the doubts she had--all the doubts everyone around her had--about him. about the two of them. about their future. she knew, very deep down, in a cavernous place she didn't want to admit existed, in a very dark scary cobweb infested hole inside her, that this wasn't going anywhere, that he wasn't as there for her as not only he claimed to be, but also as she was for him. she knew better than to take a chance--hell, 7 or 8 chances--on someone so unstable, so untrustworthy, but he somehow kept persuading her that her gut was wrong. and somehow, she kept believing him.

she kept kicking herself over and over--oftentimes in the same place--for the folly of her ways. too bad i'm unable to learn from this mistake, she thought. too bad i let him win. again. i wish there was something i could do to heal this pain. i wish there was some way for me to live again.

he had taken everything from her. first, she felt her self esteem slipping farther and farther away from her. she could see it floating in front of her, but somehow she couldn't reach it. it was always too far away, just out of reach. she was always adjusting, always fidgeting, always worrying if her eye makeup was done perfectly, if the roots of her dyed hair were showing, if what she was wearing was sexy enough, if she was good enough at pleasing him, if she was funny enough, if she was pretty enough, if he was considering leaving if she didn't meet his exact expectation. she knew he was capable and more than willing to walk away from her if even the smallest thing was off about her. that thought terrified her and kept her in check at all times, even when she knew she wasn't going to be seeing him. it was almost as if he had some sort of GPS tracker on her and knew what she looked like, what she was doing, what she was saying, who she was talking to, what she was thinking about at all times.

as if that wasn't bad enough, he then stripped her of her own painful childhood. everything she said about things that hurt her or of her grandmother, brother, uncle, other uncle, or parents was somehow not painful enough; he always had to outdo her, upstage her. it was a constant power struggle between them, him always with something more terrible than anything that had apparently ever happened to her. she never understood it and brought it up to him on more than one occasion. he'd always say that he was trying to relate to her, trying to let her know that she wasn't alone in the things that hurt her. but all he was managing to do was hurt her all over again.

then came the big one. he took her innocence. he didn't think twice about it. she didn't know if it was the alcohol influencing him to take advantage of her the way he did or if it was just that he was getting tired of waiting, but he just snatched it away from her. he took it as though it was his, like he did with much of the other people and things in his life. he had this way about him. he carried himself with the air that every person he met, every person he spoke to, every person he convinced to care about him owed him something. he was entitled to the world. whatever he wanted was his, he didn't need to work for it, he didn't need to ask. he could say and do whatever he wanted and no one could say a word about it.

he took everything from her. that much was certain. she was left all alone, peering out from behind her dirty lenses, scared and confused, an empty shell of what used to be a beautiful person. she used to laugh at everything and wasn't scared to speak her mind and say whatever stupid thing she was thinking. he stole her humanity that night and didn't think twice about it.

the only retaliation she could come up with was fire. something to re-ignite her. she wanted to stand as close to the flames as possible, engulfing the building where all that terribleness took place, feeling the tiny hairs on her face singe off while she reveled in the revenge she was bestowing upon him. it's the least she could do - he stole everything from her, so what's a little bit of burning clothing and personal items? those things could be replaced. the hole that was now permanently etched in her soul could not be.

he tried to make amends. he tried to apologize for his actions, taking responsibility for them and saying that he understood how he made her feel and that he would listen to anything she had to say to him. he said he wanted her to make him feel as diminished as she did. and that he would always be there for her anytime she needed to talk, anytime she needed to discuss that night, he would always answer and be there at her beck and call. and she fell for it, yet again. she didn't think it was possible for someone to let her down after all that he'd put her through and all the healing that was still in process, even though years and years have passed.

so many days she thought she was okay, so many days she thought was past it, so many days she thought she was going to not have to continue to deal with the after effects. she thought she was becoming whole again. but every time that anniversary starts to peek its head around the corner, every time the seasons start to change from the stifling heat and oppressive humidity of summer to the brisk chill and blustery winds of autumn, she finds herself reliving that night. reliving how hurt and how empty she felt. the haze comes back and she finds herself unable to do anything. the fear returns with a vengeance. it paralyzes her, as though every little thing she does or every little thing she says makes her a victim all over again.

she wonders if this will ever truly go away. she's starting to realize that this is something she's going to have to cope with for the rest of her life. she's going to have to deal with this fear and this haze and this cloud of emptiness forever. all he'd have to do is deal with replacing some of those dumb ass suits with the too-short pants and too-tight jackets that he loved to wear to make him look like he was important. that's hardly a loss in comparison to what she was dealing with nearly all the time now.

the cloud she walked around in felt more like a gigantic spiderweb than anything else. the more she struggled to get out of it, the more it wrapped its stickiness around her. it encompassed her entirely. she lived with it from the moment she woke up until the moment she fell asleep. then sometimes it managed to elbow its way in to her dreams. that was the worst--when she woke up with river beds of tears dried on her face. she knew he'd been there again, stopping by to remind her of how much she lost in such a short period of time.

it was all over in less than an hour. she got off work late, like always. she was tired and in no mood to deal with her roommate again that day, since they had gotten in yet another argument earlier in the day, before she went to class then to work. she called him on her way home, hoping he'd let her stay at his place, even though they technically were taking a break from their tumultuous relationship (his decision, like everything else). he begged her to come over, kept calling her over and over when she took too long to get there. this should have been the first red flag, but it wasn't. especially since she had nowhere else to go.

so she gets there and he's all over her. his roommates and a friend (whom she had only met one previous to that night) were sitting around in the living room, talking about southeastern kentucky where they were all from, not including her, as usual. she sat there, invisible, even to him, for the duration of this conversation. as she sat there, not included in the conversation, she was thinking that all she really wanted was to go to sleep, get up, go home, get ready and go to class without having to acknowledge her roommate, but suddenly he wasn't having any of that. he'd apparently tuned out of the conversation that was still going on across the room and decided he wanted to be with her again, saying that she looked so beautiful that he wanted a relationship with her, no matter what. she felt so important in that moment, as he kissed her face and ran his hands all over her arms. he held her on the black futon sofa across from his roommates. she kept thinking, is he finally proud to show me off? is he finally wanting to put a title on us? are we an "us"? the feeling was exhilarating, but part of her still didn't trust it.

that's when she smelled it. the alcohol. he reeked of it. she knew he'd been studying, but she had no idea that he had come up with a new way of studying that included taking a shot of vodka for every 10 pages he successfully read for class. she did, however, know that he waited until the absolute last minute to read the things that needed to be read. so that meant he'd have anywhere from 100-150 pages to read at any given time. that's a lot of straight vodka.

she knew the moment the stinging reeking odor of the alcohol hit her nostrils that she was in trouble. she knew she should have left, gone rushing to the door, running home to to relative safety of her bedroom, her apartment, her life. she knew she shouldn't keep justifying his drinking, keep justifying his actions, keep justifying his neglect. but something told her to stay.

she loved him deeply. she had an inkling that maybe it was mutual, but she wasn't positive so she kept her mouth shut about her feelings. she didn't want her vulnerability to turn him off, to push him away. she didn't want to seem desperate or pretentious. she didn't want to assume. he always acted like he wanted to be with her, like he wanted to be near her, like he wanted her every minute of every day--and some days he'd even go so far as to say something about it--but this was so few and far between that sometimes she wondered if his adoration was brought about only by the alcohol he loved so much. not like any of that matters now. what's done is done.

so she stayed that night. she went upstairs to his bedroom with him. she sat on the edge of the bed, her all black outfit seeming too dismal for the occasion. he kept looking at her up and down, down and up, almost salivating as his eyes drank in all of her. she felt uncomfortable, exposed in this nearly animalistic moment. she wanted to cover herself up. she kept her arms neatly crossed across her breasts, her legs crossed, her hair down, hiding her eyes, hopefully hiding her fear. it was almost as if he could smell it on her and it made his instinct kick in that much more. he inched closer to her, the vodka on his breath becoming more and more obvious. he reached his arms out to her, knelt in front of her, attempting to kiss her mouth but missing, his wet-too-big-for-his-face lips knocking into every part of her face but the part he was going for. wow, he's really drunk, she thought. but the idea never once fluttered through her mind that anything would happen. she figured he'd just pass out in a few minutes. she'd endured one too many of those nights already.

and then he got up. he went into the bathroom, sloppily blowing a kiss at her in a failed attempt at being sexy from the doorway. it was at this moment that her intuition started to kick in and she said to herself now would be a perfect time to leave. the empty feeling of complete and total fear crept into her stomach. she started to shiver, which quickly escalated from just on her arms to a shake that penetrated her entire body. as her brain was telling her legs to find the strength to get up, to run, to get the fuck out of there, the door to the bathroom opened. he stood there in bright blue boxers with the word "redneck" scribbled all over them in a red block font, a cowboy looking man standing proudly next to the word. he always always always wore a shirt in front of her, except for this day, the scar from many childhood abdominal surgeries glaring at her in the bright unforgiving light. he quickly, almost self-consciously, reached over to a light switch she didn't even know existed and suddenly the room was pitch black. in that moment, she knew something very very bad was about to happen and that she'd made the wrong decision. not only with going over there that night but by not listening to the warnings her father had been giving her for the past 9 months.

her dad kept telling her, "he's going to rape you. guys like that only want one thing and i know you think he understands your willpower and your wishes that you want to wait a little longer to have sex but he's not going to wait. you're going to get hurt. you need to cut him off completely so you don't get hurt." she didn't listen. of course she didn't listen. why would she? it wasn't like her father had ever taken an interest in any of the boys she'd dated in the past. and it wasn't like her father knew at all what he was talking about. this guy was different, she kept thinking. he doesn't want anything but to be with me. he doesn't want just in my pants. he wouldn't have waited 9 months so far if he did.

he came over to her in the darkness, his drunk hands extending to touch her. she shied away from him, shrinking into the smallest person she possibly could. she said, "you don't get to touch me unless we're together again." he whispered in her ear, "baby, you're so hot right now. we're on again." much to her chagrin, she felt a smile coming across her face. she felt her 5'8" frame start to unravel. she felt herself begin to open up. her arms became uncrossed and wrapped around him, her legs opening to accept him inside. his hands started to roam her body and she almost forgot how scared she was even three minutes earlier when he'd clicked the light off. he kissed her passionately (how he was suddenly able to find her mouth, she wasn't sure, but she wasn't exactly thinking about that) as he quickly removed her clothes from her tense body. he whispered to her, "do you want to mess around?" she tried to answer, "not really," but his lips were on hers so the reply that came out was more of a mumble than anything, a mumble she realizes now his intoxicated mind mistook for agreement.

next thing she knew, she was completely naked and his 6'0 275-pound body was on top of her. he had complete control of her, his fingers working their way into places they should not have been, her body responding but her mind freezing, stammering, trying to shoot thoughts of pain rather than pleasure to her down-there parts. it wasn't working. she could feel her body starting to tense up again, which he again thought was from how good he was making her feel, rather than her sudden repulsion at the situation. she felt him reach down and scoot himself closer and closer to her, thrusting his hips forward so he was inching closer and closer to inserting himself in her. she tried to move away from him, but he was so much bigger than her and he had her completely pinned. she tried to summon all the energy she had inside of herself to push him off of her. she tried to roll away, but was stuck.

panic rose within her. she started to flail underneath him, but he thought she wanted more of what he was giving her, so he pushed his hips harder forward to penetrate her tensed muscles, then harder still as she resisted. he sighed, thoroughly enjoying himself, finally getting what he'd waited all this time for, her terrified as she felt her innocence slipping away every time he moved. she was petrified. she squeaked, "please stop...please, for the love of god, stop...." but he continued.

she could feel her face starting to get wetter and wetter as her eyes welled up with tears. they started streaming down her face as he continued what he felt he needed to do. her body convulsing as the crying escalated. him, with his green eyes closed, seeming to enjoy this torture he was inflicting on her terrified body, continuing, starting to thrust harder and push himself deeper inside her. she finally found the strength to use her powerful ex-runner's legs to push him off of her. she maneuvered herself so that she could place the bottoms of her feet on his stomach (which he seemed to enjoy, thinking she was getting into it and wanted to try out a different position). she pushed as hard as she could, him losing his balance, falling backward. in her mind's eye, this was when she could make her getaway, grabbing her clothes and purse and sprinting down the stairs and out the front door past his roommates and friends and to her car before his drunk ass could process what happened and chase her.

she was wrong.

he snarled at her and grabbed at her naked flesh in an instant, pulling her back down beneath him, pulling at the excess skin around her hips to position her where she was originally so he could start over. except this time, he wasn't gentle; he shoved himself inside her as hard as he could, over and over again. she yelped, the tears flowing all over her cheeks, her makeup running all around her eyes, leaving dark circles, as though someone had punched her in the face repeatedly. she felt as though the rest of her body was torn to shreds, why not include her face in it too?

she was considering trying the push him off of her stunt again, but figured it was too risky. she turned her head to the right, trying to focus her blurry vision in the blackness to calculate her escape. as she was just about onto a new plan, he sighed loudly and she felt his body tense, shuddering as he finished what he had started. he rolled off of most of her body, his midsection now resting on her left leg. she moved it slowly and gently, as to not wake the now snoring giant. it was amazing how quickly he'd fallen asleep. even still, if she woke him and he realized she was still next to him and still naked, she was sure she'd have to endure it all over again.

she reached onto his nightside table (one of the many things that was in her way obstructing her from leaving this hellish bed easily), searching for her glasses. she knew he always laid them there, but she also knew that they somehow had a penchant for falling on the floor (he'd dubbed them her "mexican jumping glasses") without anyone ever touching them. she panickly felt around on the table, next to the lamp, on the floor and finally, success! she put her eyes back on and was much more oriented, even in the complete murkiness of the room. she quietly slipped her thong, her bra, her black pull-on express wide leg pants, her black/barely white striped silk banana republic shirt, her black express suit jacket, her black/purple/grey argyle socks, her slip-on steve madden clogs. she stood, wobbly on her now-damaged legs and went to take a first step.

she knew as she walked away from him that there was nothing she would ever need to say to him again. she knew this was it. she wished there had been a more amicable ending. she wished there had been some exchange of niceties. she wished there had been some sort of closure.

she was so unsteady on her legs that she felt like a baby giraffe, having just fallen 17 feet into existence, wavering as he takes his first steps. she inched her way to the door, placed one quivering hand on the knob and turned it, hoping that the click of the latch didn't wake him. she prayed that the hallway light was on so she didn't fall down the stairs...but then again, she hoped that it was off so that when she opened the door (the first thing standing between her and getting the hell out of there, so she could head to somewhere she didn't have to worry about anything else happening to her at his hand), the light didn't wake him up and he see her fully dressed and rip her clothes off of her again so he could violate her again.

she twisted the knob, determined that no matter whether that pesky light was on or off, she was out of there. she pulled the door toward her on her way out of the room, walking away with no regrets, flipping her purse onto her arm as she took a step. as she did, she cast one look over her left shoulder. the dim light that was filtering through the banister from downstairs slipped across him and now she could see him in the half-light rather than being shrouded in darkness: his arms outstretched all over the pillows where he landed when he disconnected himself from her, his hair all matted with sweat, no longer perfectly disheveled with product, his left leg halfway hanging off the bed, his right leg lodged beneath him. then, she saw it: the condom. it was still dangling off of him, gooey from use, sticky as it started to curl off of his skin.

she wanted to yell. she wanted to shake him and claw his eyes out. she wanted to burn his skin off with acid. she wanted him to hurt for what he had done to her. but first she had to get down the stairs. she could consider all of this later, once she was safe again.

she careened her way down the steps and out the front door, not acknowledging any of his friends. she could hear them fumbling for words as she sped past them. she didn't care, none of those people meant a damn thing to her. she was nearly running to her car, trying to get out of there as quickly as possible, digging in her purse for her keys as she did. she drove as fast as she could across town, with the dusky sky of the early morning above her. as she pulled into her driveway, the only thing she could think was, i'm dirty, i must get inside and take a shower immediately.

she went inside, showered, attempting to scrub all remnants of what had happened to her off of her exhausted body, then lay down. as her head hit the pillow, she slowly started to realize what happened. once that one vile word's meaning sunk into her consciousness and she wrapped her head around what she now was (a rape victim), she felt herself slipping away. she felt all motivation drain from her body. she became an empty shell of a person. the person she knew less than 24 hours ago was gone and in its place was this infinite cavern, this barren cavity that felt like it was getting bigger and deeper every minute.

she didn't know what to do. she could feel herself slipping away and try as she might to grasp onto what little was left of her, it was gone. the darkness that was so thick last night was starting to fill her up. nothing mattered anymore: classes, work, papers, grades, family, friends, hobbies, interests, nothing. none of it. she wanted nothing to do with any of it. all she wanted was to lay on her back and stare at the ceiling. because it was just like her: blank.

but then, suddenly, things started to become hazy, like she was being enveloped in a fog. it came from an unknown place, but it wasn't scary like the empty darkness. it was warm and wrapped itself around her like a blanket just out of the dryer. she couldn't see out of it (nor did she want to), but it almost didn't matter. she was safe. nothing could hurt her as long as the haze existed.

she stayed in that bubble of brume for years. she let no one close to her. she barely remembers anything about most of these years, the emptiness and the haze and the fog block most of it out. it's as if it was protecting her from herself, from everyone else, from thinking about it, from remembering what happened that night. the cloudiness keeps itself firmly around her; anytime she tries to fight it, it winds its arms tighter and stops her from moving away.

at times, she resents the clouds. she wants to see everything as it's meant to be seen and not filtered through the fogginess. it's made her decisions seem watered down, as though they're not happening to her. she's done and said things throughout the course of these years that have passed since that one night that she would not have done under other circumstances.

once her humanity slipped away, so did her inhibitions, her self-respect, any inkling that she was still a person. she became an object, one that was disposable to so many people. she saw herself as an item and therefore, so did everyone else. she felt like she was constantly being torn apart, day after day after day, she was getting trampled on by people she once thought cared about her, and people who acted like they did now. there were so many thoughts swirling around in her head that it was constantly in disarray. she stopped trying to organize it and just let them tear themselves to pieces. she almost didn't care. it was easier to just exist than to try to do anything about it.

but now, suddenly, the clouds dissipate. quickly. as though there's a strong wind blowing a cold front in from canada right before a blizzard. all that remains is this unadulterated rage. she sees red, that's all. everything around her, things that aren't normally a shade of crimson, are blazing red, as thought they're on fire. that's all she can think: revenge. fire. setting something ablaze.

without even thinking about it, she gets in her car, fidgeting with the key in the ignition since she's in such a hurry to get this underway. she speeds to the gas station, fills up the gas can she keeps in her trunk in case she runs out of gas on the freeway on her way home from work, and then she's off. she remembers exactly how to get there, even though it's been 7 years since she's been anywhere near the place. she knows what she wants to do, and although she has this nagging feeling in the back of her head that what she's doing doesn't even make any sense since he may not live there or anywhere near there anymore, she doesn't care. she needs to do something to avenge what had happened to her. it doesn't matter if she hurts anyone else in the process. the symbolism of what she's doing is what is important at this point.

she turns right, then right again, then right one more time, nearly flipping her tiny vehicle in her rush, then heads to the end of the road where all the trees always masked her entrance to his home. she parks in the parking lot across the street, where visitors are allowed, puts a pair of gloves on, grabs her gas can and lighter and sneaks across the road to his place. she quietly douses the ground with the gasoline she purchased, now realizing that the amount she bought will more than likely not be enough to cover an entire dwelling, but that part didn't matter to her. even a small fire that would hopefully quickly encapsulate the entire building was what she was hoping for.

she flicked the lighter, the tiny flame on the cow-patterned piece of plastic shining, reflecting in the lenses of her glasses. she felt like a maniac in a superhero movie at that point. she was the demon. she was the bad guy. hopefully putting herself in this position was going to be enough to make the hellions inside of her finally go away and leave her alone. they had already showed their disgusting faces when the clouds parted and originally gave her this insane idea. now she knew they would not rest until something was done, until she finally did something to put this whole thing behind her. the only thing she could think of, since she had no idea where he was and what he was doing and how she could repay him without going to jail, was setting this one horrid building on fire.

she was still holding the lighter, mesmerized by the flicker, when she snapped out of it. the longer i stand here, the more at risk i'm putting myself, she thought. i have to do this and get out of here. quickly. if he's still in the area, i'll be the first person he'll think of when he finds out that his old apartment is on fire.

she knelt down, flipped the cog atop the lighter against the strip of gasoline she'd scattered around the foundation of the condominium. it quickly caught on fire, flames racing all around the base of the house, quickly catching the wood trim of the exterior ablaze, reaching its fiery arms up the siding and to the windows. it was as though it was trying to be polite and not wake up the residents at such a late hour; it knocked on the doors and windows before entering. when the owners didn't answer fast enough, the fire welcomed itself into the building and raced around the living room, the beige carpet assisting in catching the rest of the home on fire, the flames licking at the banister of the staircase, tasting the wood, working their way up to the second floor, racing around the corner to where his room was. they seemed to know exactly where she wanted them to go, skipping the parts that had nothing to do with him, lingering in the areas where he had wronged her. it was the most liberating thing she had ever experienced.

then reality struck. the longer she stood there with a lighter and gas can in her gloved hands, the more likely it was going to be that she was going to get caught. she had to get out of there, and fast. the residents - or someone nearby - was bound to call the authorities at some point to report a building that was rapidly being engulfed in flames. she decided it was time for her to turn her back on the destruction she'd caused, and in doing so, turn a new leaf. it was time for her to write a new chapter in her life. there was no more of the cloudiness, there was no more haze. she was liberated,she was alive. and although she had been hurt irreparably, she wasn't going to let this ruin her. the only thing that was ruined at this point was that building, an inanimate object that signified a painful place. a place that now no longer existed. by obliterating the place, she freed herself from the shackles that held her back from enjoying anything, from feeling anything. it was an emancipation from the affliction. it was time to rejoin humanity.

i've been up since 5:30 a.m. was at work from 8 a.m.-8:30 p.m. now i'm at home on my big red sofa, listening to one of the best mix CDs i've ever made and watching melody chase a twist tie across the living room. i was determined to make it to the gym today, but after 12.5 hours in 3-inch heels, i decided i was gonna go home, put on a tank top and sweatpants and...not work out. my 1.5 hour work out last night (and the 160 reps i did on my stomach) was plenty to take care of today. but i WILL go tomorrow night. dammit.

the playlist for this incredible album:
-oval opus: the coffee shop girl.
-oval opus: first kids' names.
-dar williams: after all.
-the decemberists: 16 military wives.
-july for kings: meteor flower.
-july for kings: perfect world.
-michael tolcher: sooner or later.
-michael tolcher: this is what i mean by that.
-susie suh: won't you come again.
-susie suh: petrified to be god-like.
-jason mraz: sleeping to dream.
-jason mraz: you and i both (live).
-whiskeytown: jacksonville skyline.
-whiskeytown: sit and listen to the rain.
-veda: desire on repeat.
-veda: still standing.
-something corporate: as you sleep.
-something corporate: she paints me blue.
-barenaked ladies: off the hook.

ok so this is officially one of the best mix CDs i think i've ever made. omg. i'm SO GLAD i have these susie suh songs! *elated!*

so anyway. things are going well-ish. i'm looking for a new job, slowly but surely applying for whatever is available. i kinda wanna go back to school but i also kinda wanna be a teacher but i also kinda wanna stay in banking...god, i wish i could make up my damn mind.

i have a new boy who makes me smile endlessly. i feel so beautiful and interesting whenever i talk to him. i wish i could see him more frequently, but he works early, i work late, he goes to school...and when he's in school, i'm at the gym. we have weekends and that's about it. i'm so proud of him for going back to finish his degree...but i also wanna be selfish and keep him all to myself. that'll pass, i'm certain. :) i'm being patient - if it's meant to work out, it will. all signs point to yes at the moment.

ah jeez, my lactose intolerance is definitely letting me know it's unhappy at the moment. the banquet dinner must have had some hidden milk in it because mannnnnnnnnnnn my tummy is dissatisfied.

not much else to report. i need to drudge out one of my old stories and work on it here. maybe tomorrow after my workout we'll do that. but for now, it's cuddle in bed with the kitty time. :)

so yes i realize it's been like 7 months since i've posted. and i realize that it's 11:30 p.m. on a monday night. i need to take a shower to wash off all the grime from the gym and so i can sleep in a little bit longer in the morning, but i feel this urge to write. i've had so much going on that i haven't had the opportunity or the gumption to write anything at all. i think that's why i get so pissy all the time. i want to write, i want to purge, i want to let whatever's inside my head out. but i don't take the time to do it. that's shenanigans. i think i need to re-evaluate my priorities.

soooo....i can't even remember where i left off the last time i wrote anything. i know i wrote something that was sort of a homage to my unborn child....the reality of that situation hit me about 2 weeks ago when i realized, as i was sitting on my big red sofa with my melody, that i would have a baby if i hadn't made that decision. i'd be a mother. and i'm not so sure i'd be a very good one. i have a very hot personality and an extremely vulgar one. ha, i have a super busy life...and i can't say for sure i'm cut out to have kids. part of me wants two (you can't have an uneven number of children--roller coasters are awful when you do that)...i already have the names picked out: isabella regan and rowan sebastien. but...then this other bigger part of me is absolutely petrified to think about the prospect of having another person be completely dependent on me for at least 18 years. it's such a big commitment and i'm just not sure that it's one i want. but then again, i've found this huge part of my heart that i didn't know existed when i adopted my darling melody...and an even bigger part when i was with ross.

sometimes i wonder how he is. i hope he's happy and healthy and satisfied with his life. i really do wish him nothing but the best. and i am so glad i'm by myself and not stuck in that situation anymore. but i do miss his laugh...and how much he loved me. it was 100% unconditional. i don't know anyone who can love so completely and wholly as ross loved me. and it was so fast -- we both felt it like the first night we spent together. it was the strangest most amazing thing i've ever been a part of. i just wish it had been the right fit for me. but it's OK--because it taught me about myself and about the extent to which i can love another person.

i was by myself in my car yesterday and looked down into the little change holder place where my cell phone normally sits when i'm driving. my phone was in my purse on the floor of my car, leaving the contents of the change compartment sitting completely open. upon inspection, i realized that the ring ross gave me was still sitting in there from where i had taken it off the day i decided to leave him. it was dirty, smudged with god knows what. i inspected it and decided it to slide it back onto my left hand's ring finger. it felt so foreign and looked so strange on my hand that i took it off immediately and tossed it out the window. kind of a weird reaction, but my heart told me it had no place in my life anymore.

i have to be at work at 8 a.m...and i need to look pretty tomorrow since i have this banquet thing i need to go to...but i'm not quite ready to go to bed yet. and i know melody is definitely not ready for me to go to bed, considering she's been climbing all over me since the moment i walked in the door this evening. she's such a great companion--no matter how lonely i may get, she's always here to give me multiple kitty kisses and to drive me completely crazy until i'm hollering at her. but i wouldn't trade her or get rid of her for any reason. not now. i love her too much.

sigh....ok fine, i'm starting to run out of stamina. i'm gonna go get all cuddled in my big cozy bed. be back soon, hopefully. ;)

i'm actually pretty excited to be posting for the first time in months....things have been crazy busy, but are starting to look up. that's a great change over the past reports i've logged.

the weird thing about me is i'm normally so positive and am always laughing, yet i somehow have been so jaded over the past year or so that i only sit down and take time to myself to write whenever i'm in a pissy mood.

today is not one of those days. i'm in a great mood...and i'm pretty excited about that. there are many reasons for this...but the main one is my apartment is FINALLY starting to come together. i went to ikea with my friend james today - got three lamps (two of which are now on my desk dad made for me, the third is in the living room) and an office chair for under $100. pretty awesome. :D so then after we re-arranged the guest bedroom/office, i started unpacking a metric shit ton of boxes and actually got a lot of stuff accomplished. i decided to start writing again because i actually have a place to do it now rather than with edgar (the laptop) on my lap in the living room chair trying to balance it and keep connected to the internet at the same time. now i'm in a much much better place.

the cat is perched atop the TV in the office. this has bad idea written all over it. ....yep, called that one. she just fell off onto the floor and scurried away.

boys are still frustrating, but i don't think that's ever gonna change. i've just accepted that fact and am going to continue to live my life with or without them. i don't need anyone, although it would be nice to be with someone again. i miss the closeness and the intimacy...and the knowing that no matter how bad of a day i may have, i have that person to care about me and to listen to me. i miss that.

ross and i have been broken up for the better part of a year. it's crazy to think that this time last year, i was very much in love and very much positive i was with the person i was going to be with for the rest of my life. there was nothing that was going to tear me away from him and no one that was going to talk me out of being with him. it didn't matter to me that we were so far away from each other, it didn't matter to me that i hadn't seen him in months, or that we argued as frequently as were starting to at this time...none of that mattered. i loved him. i learned very quickly that sometimes love isn't enough. i wanted it to be, i made that relationship work as best as i could. but once he crushed me with the news he was back on the drugs, i couldn't take it. i wanted to work through it but it was obvious to me that that was never going to happen. i think about it sometimes and it makes me kinda sad...but i know i'm a better person for having been with him...and i know i'm a stronger person for knowing when to walk away.

been thinking a lot about a lot of things lately. ...my brother, my uncle, my messed up family, my life up until this point, some of the decisions i've made...and i wonder how different my life would look if some of those crazy things and crazy people were never in existence. an interesting thought. like, if i'd never met dan, i'd not have lost my virginity when and how i did...and i bet i'd not be nearly as sexually active as i am now. maybe, maybe not. or if i'd never met lucas, i'd never have had to make some of the decisions i had to make recently. i'd not have gotten pregnant, i'd not be feeling as insecure as i am about boys in general, i'd not be questioning some of the decisions i had to make.

i lay awake at night sometimes and i think about that baby. i wonder what he/she would have been like--would he/she have been more like me or more like him? would his violent streak have transcended through the genes and into our baby? or would he/she have taken after me? would i have to relive that horrible night over and over again every i looked at him/her? i hated that baby so much, just for having been conceived--and i know it isn't his/her fault, but still--that i would hit myself as hard as i could stand in the stomach every night, i would yell at it in between tears and vomiting every morning, i would fall asleep apologizing to it at night for what was about to happen.

i wish there had been another option. i wish it had happened with someone who wasn't so horrible for me. i wish it had happened at a time when i was more financially stable. i wish i could have had the heart to give it to someone who wasn't able to conceive. i made it 6 weeks...god, 3 days after i saw the first picture of that little sweetheart growing inside me, it was gone. i cried and cried in my car when talking to my mom after i saw the picture. i really didn't want to. that makes this whole thing so much more real.

the doctor's office was so cold...it was so uncomfortable with my legs suspended in the air while he rummaged around trying to numb my cervix so he could dilate it enough to get the instruments up in there to do what needed to be done. the sounds and the feeling of that machine inside me is something i will never forget. the pain i felt physically will never ever compare to the emotional pain i've put myself through.

now don't get me wrong--if placed in the same situation again today, i'd make the same decision. i don't regret it for a second. it hurts and it sucks and i wish it didn't have to be done, but i had no other option.

it was amazing how quickly i started feeling better afterward. i hadn't laughed for what felt like months...and suddenly, about 2 days later, i was starting to laugh again, the nausea went away and the cramping eased tremendously. i just think about it a lot, since i'd be about 3 months along right now...and gaining weight instead of losing it.

i've definitely learned from that mistake...and i will never ever put myself into a position where i have to make a decision like that ever again. ever.

anyway, yes, i'm still in a great mood. even with all of that. christmas is in a couple days--i can't wait to see my mommy and daddy and stunbun and give kitty her presents (she's been trying to get into her stocking all day today--she was nearly successful). i love my family very much...and i wish that some of these mean people who are in our lives weren't. it would make everything much less complicated for all of us...but...then again, if it weren't for all of these difficult people and situations, we wouldn't be who we are. and i love us very much.

so yeah--merry christmas to all of you...and a very happy new year as well. :) i hope it's happy and healthy!

1.boys are bitches. greg is dating someone else, and probably was the whole time he was with me. whatever, fuck him.
2.date was crap. no chemistry whatsoever. on the positive side: public enemies was pretty good - sad, but good!
3.CEO people didn't even come by our damn department, let alone sit with me like they were supposed to.
4.i won an award at work (called a citistar) which gets me a free dinner....and $500 cash. :D all for being awesome. (thanks debbie for the nomination!)
5.i don't wanna talk to anyone anymore. i wanna just hole up in my apartment with my cuddle kitten and be alone. fuck everyone.
6.i'm gonna keep on keepin' on, but....i anticipate being more alone for awhile. i'm ok with that.
7.i got into a fight with a friend about some rumors that were started at work about us. but that's kinda patched up now. i'm glad for that - i missed him sorta kinda. not like a boyfriend "i miss you"....more like just an in general "i enjoy that person's company, i miss him" kind of a thing.

that's about it. not much else going on. god, i hate it when i get all burned out and negative. it'll pass soon enough....i hope.

exciting news: i have a date on saturday. we're going to meet up in mason and go to an indian restaurant and then to a movie. no idea which movie though...because the showtimes haven't updated yet. oh well. we'll figure it out, i'm sure.

kind of excited, kind of nervous. not really sure how to handle all this but we'll kind of take it one day at a time.

sunday, i have to go with my mom to this bullshit wedding shower. i don't wanna, but...she doesn't wanna either, so at least we're in it together. :( stupid people.

anyway, just wanted to check in. nothing really exciting going on, other than that. oh and someone who reports directly to the CEO of citigroup will be coming to visit us tomorrow. that's kinda scary. i'll let you know how that turns out.

this was easily the most disappointing vacation i've ever taken. yes, this one was worse than when my parents dragged me to gatlinburg to every freakin' arts and crafts show they could find.

yeah, so remember new guy i mentioned? and remember how i said i was sort of frustrated? ....yeah, so saturday (not yesterday, a week ago), he stands me up, which i sort of had a feeling was going to happen. he finally texted me at like 10:30 with some BS excuse about how he'd lost his phone until just then and was really sorry he didn't get back in contact with me. whatever.

so i was pissed. like a whole lot....and although i know that i really shouldn't have gone off on him like i did, i felt completely disrespected and unappreciated. he then tried to blame the whole thing on me (telling me i shouldn't have gotten upset and i shouldn't have been hurt), which only pissed me off more, so i went off more. it was a nasty conversation...and i think because of this is why we are no longer speaking. he has blocked me on all electronic avenues we used to communicate on (AIM, facebook, yahoo)...i just think he needs to grow the hell up and tell me that he's just not interested or just wanted to get laid or whatever. screw this stuff. it's so frustrating!!!

but here's the crazy thing. THREE OTHER GIRLS i know who were dating guys did the SAME THING to them this weekend. what the hell is that?! what's in the water around here?

so instead of seeing greg at all this week, like i thought i was going to, i ended up hanging out with my mom every single day. we went to coney island on monday, where i got kinda sunburnt...and then again on tuesday, where i continued that trend...wednesday, i was supposed to have a friend come down from michigan to see me, but on his way here, he blew a tire and it took all fuckin day for it to get fixed, so i hung out with mom for awhile instead...thursday, mom and i went to the new mexican place down the street (it was gross), then to target and a bunch of other places on an art for the apartment search...i found some stuff i liked at hobby lobby, oh but that's right, i don't have any money! friday, i came over to the parents' to help them with some stuff around here....and now i'm dog sitting for stunner while they're in gatlinburg on their vacation.

rick came up this weekend, which was nice, but too short as always. he wanted to meet my melody kitty, who cuddled with him just like i knew she would. she hid from him a lot also, which was kinda weird, but...that's ok. he was in a weird mood, and i definitely was too.

i'm tired of facebook bitches (a.k.a. coworkers, in this case) telling me i need to get a hobby. maybe YOU should get a hobby by not commenting every time i update my status on facebook. how about that?! god. that's annoying.

i'm a lil bit bitter, but only because i'm tired of weirdness. i want stability back and i want to feel loved and important once more. i miss that feeling.

i woke up today with the intentions of having a great day. i thought it was gonna be sorta magical, especially since i went to bed in such a bad mood last night. i was laying in bed, all half asleep, when i just broke down. again. i really wanna stop doing that.

i had imagined that ross called and was at the airport. even though i'd told him not to, he had booked a flight anyway (since i'm on vacation this week) and came here to be with me. he wanted to prove to me that he loved me and that i was worth dropping everything for. he called from the airport and said, i have a hotel near your apartment; i'm not going to stay with you, but i need to see you. and i kinda need a ride to my hotel. i was hoping you'd give me that ride since you're the only reason i'm here.

so i went and got him. because i'm a pushover. we hugged and hugged in the airport and i felt like i was home. i felt like i was with the only person in the world that i could ever love like that. he smelled and felt so good in this half-dream i had last night. he smiled at me and i felt my whole world open up and a genuine smile come across my face. he held me and kissed my cheek and held my hand (he still had his ring on...i feel so bad for taking mine off). then we walked to my car, hand in hand. i gave him my keys, he opened my door for me, handed my keys back to me so i could start the car while he ran around the outside of the car before i could get his door unlocked and get the car started. as he backed the car out of the space we were in, he reached over and grabbed ahold of my hand, looping his index finger through my pinky and held on tight. it felt like no time at all had passed since we saw each other last and that nothing horrible had transpired between us.

we drove to his hotel, where we checked him in. he asked me to come upstairs with him, which i did, only because i wanted to talk to him. i sat down on the bed in his room while he started to put his bags on the floor. we looked at each other and said, "i'm sorry" at the exact same time. i burst into tears immediately upon hearing it. he rushed over to me and put his arms around me, while whispering "i love you" in my ear.

as much as i know this is never going to happen, and how much i know i don't want it to happen...i miss the shit out of him. dates and anniversaries are big deals to me...and this one is especially hard since ross was supposed to come visit for my entire vacation. it hurts because i'm the one who made the decision to not allow him to come. and i'm the one, while he was making his travel plans, who decided i didn't want to continue this relationship. i know how unhappy i was, how controlled i felt, how isolated i was from everyone. i barely spoke to anyone other than ross for over a year. he consumed my entire world. i felt like i didn't need anyone else as long as he was here. but he wasn't here. and because he wasn't, i felt even more alone than ever. he'd go hours and hours (sometimes days) without calling me, and i'd get all upset thinking he didn't love me anymore.

so now i find myself feeling the same way with new guy. it doesn't make any sense and it certainly isn't fair to him. i wish i wasn't so messed up because i'm actually really excited about him and i think that if i could just quit being so stuck on this situation, we could be really great together. i hope i get to see him tonight...we have tentative plans, but i have no idea when and if it's gonna happen. his dad is getting re-married today, so...who knows how long that'll take. he didn't ask me to come and i'm ok with that. i don't know if we're ready for me to meet his family yet. i think he's gonna go to dinner with me and the parents sometime this week, but i'm not sure. i don't wanna freak the poor guy out, but i need his help taking care of my parents' neighbor's dog as well as my parents' dog in the next couple weeks. sigh, yay vacation.

i just feel really alone. i am fully aware that this was my decision, not someone else's, but that doesn't mean i don't need to talk about it, you know? my coworkers can tell something's wrong with me...andrea looks at me about once a week and says, "krysti, what's wrong with you? you don't look happy." kim did put it really well yesterday though...she called what i'm going through a grieving process. i'd never thought about it like that. i guess i just need to put it out of my mind, stop fucking feeling guilty and move on. i just wonder how much longer this is gonna take...AND how many more of these dreams i'm gonna have. because they ruin my whole fucking day.